As the hour approaches for me to leave for Denver I realize I have packed cowboy boots.

Suddenly I think, “Is everyone there going to think I am wearing these boots to fit it??? To show my western side?” But more importantly, will they know I’ve never been to a ranch?

I am like millions of lezzies, which means basically: I’ve got boots. The boots fit somewhere in between my sneakers (called running shoes by those who actually do stuff in them) and high heels (which the majority of lesbians shun). Still, cowboy boots? Am I overstepping?? (Please enjoy that pun.) I don’t want to offend the gals of Denver by trying to hard.

And then I realize my boots are green suede. I am safe. No Colorado gay gal is going to think I’m a wannabe cowgirl. I toss in my pink socks, Just to be sure.

1) House guests that buy soy milk and then leave the shoebox-sized container in your fridge. Even my organic only, skim milk girl is not going to drink it. Every time it happens I will wipe it down and move it around and generally babysit it until it finally dies. Which, if you know soy milk, is roughly the life span of the AA batteries in the remote you never use.

2) Parking passes in your own neighborhood during the day. Other cities do not have this craziness – where you’re required to run out to meet people with what is basically the grown-up version of a hall pass to hand to anyone who dares to visit you during the day. It will be the reason I eventually kill someone (you know who you are parking monitors!!) here in LA.

3) Pillow shams. Are we allowed to sleep on them? Should you? Are my girl and I the only people who toss the “pretty pillows” on the floor all night? Is that sanitary? Why are they so hard to get on and off?

4) Gays not being popular anymore. Didn’t we used to be on everything? The cover of Time? TV? Broadway? Many people are asking, “is gay the new black?” We WISH! I think we need to ask the sadder question, “is gay the new McRib Sandwhich or Cabbage Patch doll or, god forbid, the new Elmo?” Exciting and popular for just a moment, and only brought out when sales are slow……

5) The algebraic nightmare of the cords lying on our kitchen counter that charge all the phones, blackberrys bluetooths, Ipods, cameras and computers we own. THIS is wireless???

6) The pressure of updating Facebook. God, I love it. I want more and more friends. I am competitive and addicted. But sometimes I have nothing to say. Suzanne is: just trying to be witty. Or worse, Suzanne is: actually doing nothing.